Der Kaiser's Past
by O Teleftaos Aftokrtoras
Summary: This is the story of Erich Wagenmann, an extraordinarily capable and fat young Westphalian...this is my first fanfic, don't hate if it sucks. More characters coming later. Future CartmanxWendy
1. Prologue-1925

**Erich Wagenmann sat down in his favorite old chair. It was an ornate, comfortable chair; he didn't remember the name of the manufacturer. Of course, the man would know his name, as it was and had been known and feared for many years by then. He looked down toward the ground and chuckled. He remembered when during his youth he was quite round, it was difficult to see the ground from certain angles. That had changed sometime during his passage into manhood, when he grew to a surprising 6'4" and slimmed out. "Oh, days like those I haven't found since...the most fulfilling friendships I've ever had," he mused to himself.**

**His right hand reached out of its own accord and wrapped around a glass of sweet tea, an old favorite from his days of obesity. But in the same way that love held over, hate held over. And as such, he blazed for a second with anger against his former enemies. Trent Boyett, who he and his friends had eventually seen killed when they were 19 by the sheer luck of a wolf coming up on their camp site at the same time as he was arriving. That was when Erich had known he was destined for great things. The rest of the boys, so to speak, had simply been relieved to find an old source of torment dead. That was what separated him from them. He saw things as they could be. They saw things as they solidly were. The difference between great men and ordinary ones. **

**"Erich? The biographer will be here in 5 minutes." His secretary deigned to inform him. He chuckled. Liesel was perhaps the only person on the earth anymore that didn't treat him with almost divine reverence. Save his son, of course. Frederick was 24 now, and a colonel in the Reichsheer. That was his father's insistence. But thankfully, Frederick had proven to be a very good soldier, once they got the royalty ironed out of him. It reminded Erich of his youth in a small town in Westphalia. He'd never dreamt he'd rise to the heights he had. Heights almost dizzying to those who hadn't enjoyed them. Heights...of Kaiserdom. **

**If you'd told anyone living in his hometown that they had a future Kaiser in that town, they would have either shit their pants laughing, or maybe simply reported you for talking of revolution. After all, nothing ever happened in Südenpark, but every city has its day, as they say. Speaking of Südenpark, what had happened to the inhabitants there? The local constable, Barbrady, had been killed one day by a horse's kick. No one really noticed or cared. That bitch of a headmaster, Victoria, had gone insane eventually. Only Erich knew why. And he wasn't saying. It was one of the first times he had ever found how to assert his authority, or authoritah, as he used to phrase it, on those above him. "They did respect it, didn't they?" He let out a wry chuckle. He had gray hair these days, thick gray hair that he kept slightly longer than most men's, just above his shoulders. He wore a kingly mustache, a thick one slightly stretching around the lips. His eyes, dark brown as always, also never gave an inch as always.**

**Well, from his 14th year onwards. Before that he was a pussy, quite frankly. In physical matters, that is. He'd already made a kid eat his parents in chili by that point, but as a fighter in general, he wasn't great overall. At a point, he'd taken lessons from a local instructor and proceeded to beat up a grown man with a black belt, albeit a dwarf, but after that in the typical arrogance of his youth, he'd neglected his lessons and become weak. When he turned 14, he'd been walking home when he saw a small man dominating a large one, his employee at the time, simply through words. The large man had finally had enough and swung at the small one. Eventually, the large man had killed the small one with his bare hands, Erich watching the whole time, never knowing that the two were handicapped and that they were plotting to kill his acquaintance Jimmy. That was when he understood that, were he to ever escape the small shithole of a town that was Südenpark, he needed to add physical intimidation to his already powerful mental side. **

**"Erich? The biographer is here." Liesel called in from her desk. "Send him in." Erich responded with a sigh. The man walked in and sat down. He was about medium height, and slightly overweight with full white hair despite his doubtless age emanating from his face and eyes. Erich looked him in the eyes, and they radiated in surprise. The other man's green eyes looked hardened and bitter beyond emotion. "I've waited for this day my whole life, you son of a whore." The man stated this with obvious relish. Erich simply glared, with the firmness that had made him Kaiser of the German Empire. "Well...I will be damned. Scott Tenorman."**


	2. Chapter I-1861

Okay, so I'm going to go ahead and assume those out there who actually read my first story didn't take the time to at least review it. That's fine I guess, seeing as this is a more complex kind of South Park story, and well quick warning, Kyle and Cartman will NOT fuck. Or be involved in any romantic capacity. Oh and the first chapter was a bit of a prologue. Okay that's out of the way. Enjoy if you're actually reading this and review, please. PLEEEEASE. If I suck at least be nice enough to tell me.

Apparently there was an error regrading this chapter and it just started spitting out weird shit within my words. Apologies.

The Beginning

Part I

Chapter I

Südenpark, Westphalia, Prussia

9-year-old Erich Wagenmann walked home, giddiness and triumph adding to his step. He had just finished a plot that probably pronounced him the most capable person of his age in world history. Now of course that was a psychopathic capability, but still, capability. But he didn't understand that at the time. All he understood was that he had completed a thorough triumph over someone supposedly older and more capable and left him broken, shamed, and crying on the field of battle. He had also begun building a name that would, though he didn't know it yet, burn like a flame, and one that would prove eternal. As young Erich passed his Jewish friend Kyle's house, he surreptitiously checked to make sure that the doorway was pure enough for a dump later that night. Despite his ability for higher crime, he still would do petty things. It was ingrained into his young nature.

As he came up on his house, he passed a group of girls his age talking and bickering. As they passed him they started snickering and laughing among themselves. No doubt due to his weight. "Hey!" Erich called after them. "Shut the fuck up you sluts!" "Why should we, fat boy?" A redheaded member of that group demanded. Erich sighed and looked at her face to commit it to memory. He decided to tell them seeing as that they obviously didn't appreciate Chili Carnivals. "I just made a kid eat his parents' corpses. Do you want to go there?" The girls started to laugh but saw that deadly, silent glint that when seen in a man's eye lets you know he's not kidding around, fell silent and hurried away. "Monster!" one of the girls in a red coat with blonde hair yelled. Erich laughed at their flight. When he turned around, a tall, muscular man with gray hair, blue eyes, and a thick mustache was standing in front of him, not unlike an older Erich, although he had no idea of that. He was wearing a long black trench coat, under which was a gray military uniform jacket with similar gray trousers, all of which was designed to shield him from the Prussian winter cold. He focused his eyes on Erich's, with a simple but penetrating stare that let Erich know that everything he thought of, the old man had thought of first.

"Why did you do it?" The old man asked this question in a soft tone with an iron undertone, saying that he could tolerate Erich's explaining, but not the crime. Erich looked up at him, with open eyes, responding that "He humiliated me. He made me look stupid in front of everyone. So I broke him." The old man thought on that for a second, but then just chuckled. Erich looked up at him questioningly, because even he understood the solemn mood of the conversation, but the old man simply laughed. When he was finished, he said, "Oh, how simply you see the world. You can't just make someone eat their parents in vengeance. I mean it works, but that's a bit too extreme. I will say this. You remind me of a lion who doesn't know its strength. Until you grasp that, you'll never be anything. You could be a great man. But not until you grasp your ability." Erich pondered what that meant, and when he looked up, the old man was gone. He didn't know where and probably never would. Erich simply shrugged, and walked home for some lunch. Before he ate though, he wrote the old man's words down in his room and laid it under his books.


	3. Chapter II-1862

Chapter II-1862

So I've decided that I'll have every chapter be a year in the life of Erich Wagenmann, and every year be an adventure. If anybody is actually reading this, then post a review. I mean Jesus y'all.

Erich Wagenmann was in good spirits. School had just let out for summer and he was quite pleased. However high marks he could have achieved, he simply didn't care about the school, it's teachers, or most of its subjects, so he was a C student. He was fast turning into a specialist type of man, one that when he put his mind to something he could accomplish whatever he wanted to almost with it, but until he chose what to do he would be a failure. His ears perked up slightly as he heard his friend Stanislaus yell to his left. He was obviously angry, and walked off in a huff, leaving his girlfriend Wendelin alone by Starke's Pond. Erich never missed a chance to screw with Wendelin, so he moved his fat ass over there. "Hey Wendelin...what happened? He find you sleeping with Kenneth?"

She simply glared at him with the rebuttal of, "Shut your fat ass up. You don't know anything. He's simply being effeminate and sensitive." Erich chuckled at hearing this, following up, "And why did you go for a Pole like him when you could be with a real man?"

Wendelin saw through him and said, "If I wanted to be with a Wagenmann I'd fuck your cousin Candide. Last I heard he was on a farm in Spain?"

Erich was sensitive about this, mainly because Candide was actually his older brother AND cousin, due to his mother being an incestuous whore that only Erich found the space in his heart, however small, to love. So, as youth are bound to do, he snapped and yelled, "Shut the fuck up, you hairy bitch! Shut the fuck up! Your parents are Communist anyhow. What do they know..."

Wendelin simply looked in his eyes. And through looking in his eyes she found a boy. A boy different from all of the others really, one who was not lovable. One who was indeed fat and insensitive, as well as hateful and arrogant. But she also saw that small spark of brilliance, that evil brilliance, that could one day propel him to the top. And would, if he had someone to temper it, for he himself would doubtless become drunk on said brilliance and ruin it all. She saw this and didn't know what to make of it, as 10-year-olds often don't. So she simply walked up and punched him in the nose for his insolence, and stalked off.

As Erich stood staggered over, one hand over his face, he watched her walk away and was fascinated, because he knew he had found the motivation and brilliance, albeit manifested in a different form, present in another.

Erich turned, only to be met by Klaus and Stanislaus laughing in hysterics from a distance at him. Those two were sons of whores, Klaus in particular for practicing Judaism, which Erich had learned to hate from the father of his only close friend, Kenneth. Now this wouldn't be enough, but Erich had came from their very modest house after this particular anti-Semitic rant and asked a random man in the street what he liked about Jews, to be met with silence. That was when he realized that all Jews were subversive to society and must die. This was only reinforced by Klaus. Klaus Broflovski was the son of a lawyer, and his mother was even fatter than Erich, but, like Erich, was driven. However, Erich only saw that she was a dirty bitch who tried to protect the children of Südenpark from any so-called "danger" that she saw in their lives, including foul language and even the thought of alcohol. He had even composed a song about her. It was quite the hit among the local youth. As it was, he saw the sun setting and started his course home.

R&R

(yes I know the story goes off on literally every tangent but this is Eric Cartman's thoughts. Do you think they're organized?)


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